At Kaleo church, we call our home groups “missional communities,” (MC’s). The title serves as an intentional reminder of why we exist here on this earth: to love God and neighbor. Not surprisingly, this is also one of the healthiest assets to a formal counseling relationship. Gone is the separatist mentality of old-school counseling: “me and my therapist.” Gone is the stereo-typical break in relationship between counselor and counselee: “I have no relationship with you outside of my office.” In their place is the Scriptural portrait of “brother and sister,” “life-on-life,” and valued body members, all “in Christ.” Its a beautiful thing, yet strange to individualist (worldy) thinking.
In truth, this body relationship is foundational and is what “creates” one-another counseling for Christians. Its a full-on, Acts 2:44 model. And its also what moves us out to “counsel the world” together (as the title “missional” and “community” imply), for the community that lives under the cross also takes the cross to the ends of the earth together, as they are gripped and transformed by the pursuing love of Christ (As proof, Acts 2:47 tells us God added to their number daily those who were being saved.)
We are called to fight “a good fight” against sin and strongholds in ourselves, one-another, and in every dark place on earth, armed with the cordial of God’s love and grace, and the resources of a mighty army of counselors called the church.
This is why in my counseling I am always thinking about “connecting” (also the title of a helpful book by Larry Crabb) a person with an MC. If I can help knit the counselee into the fabric of a local worshipping MC (where they can be looked after, counseled, have some practical needs addressed, and find a community in which to worship and serve), then I can feel confident that the renewal designed by “the Wonderful Counselor” will flourish. “…and he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again” 2 Cor. 5:15). Good communication and feedback with the MC regarding the counselee thus becomes a truly indispensable asset.
Counselors are not lone-rangers. Nor should a counselee ever be. We have each other, with Christ our glorious Head. He counsels and comforts us so that “we may comfort others with the comfort we ourselves have received (2 Cor. 1:4).” And that indeed is a beautiful thing!
Our dear brother and friend Peter Garich of Dayspring Counseling writes a great piece on how our identity impacts our change. Peter says, “What if we are known and not wanted? What if we fail each other (and we will) and the other’s disapproval is not just of what we have done (our standing based on our works) but also of who we are (our very identity)? What if we have been abused at the hands of a parent and we conclude that we are unlovable?” These and a whole range of other “what ifs” can continue to keep us desperate and alone-with the mentality of a slave and not a Son or Daughter-or we can step out of the shadows and begin to humbly trust God.” Check out the rest of this excellent article at: Blessings Over Bondage
by Stephen Trout
“You meant it for evil, but God meant it for good, for the saving of many lives.” (Joseph, in Gen.50:19)
“If your heart is broken, you’ll find God right there; if you’re kicked in the gut, he’ll help you catch your breath.” (Psalm 34:18, The Message)
The continuous news coverage is mostly over, and the horrific scenes of flames and burning houses in what seemed like most of Southern California have become only a picture-file on a desktop or photo album. Feelings of “fight or flight” are fresh, but melt quickly into a morass of a new day’s details and busyness. But for those who experienced significant loss (a “broken heart,” see above), “recovery” may not be so automatic. The coming days will reveal where they will find hope. Some will continue to burn with anger, raging against God and whoever may have (intentionally or unwittingly) set the fires. Others will mourn and grieve their losses. If so, an important question will be, “who will enter with them into their “house of mourning” (Eccl. 7:2) - if such a house even exists? Here is the unique opportunity of the Christian, for the love of Christ calls us to walk into such burned-out houses and lives (see Seeing Jesus in the Firestorm)
A recent article notes that over 80% of Americans will be exposed to some kind of trauma-event in their lifetime. Intense suffering from victimization, accidents, serious injuries, and even the death of our loved ones and acquaintances are all traumatic realities of life in a fallen world. (To be sure, the evil-one has come “to steal, and kill, and destroy,” and he will attempt to deface God’s beauty and creation at every turn, and in a myriad of ways.) If this is so, what are some important things to bear in mind as we counsel out of the Gospel in such moments as these? Here are a few thoughts…
1.) Recognize Changes Over Time. As with all psychiatric labels, Post-Trauma Stress (or PTS) is descriptive rather than prescriptive. Symptoms may appear initially as recurring headaches, “anxiety attacks,” and even nausea and vomiting. Continuous obsessing over the traumatic event, even to the point of nightmares affecting sleep, may also mark the responses of many as time goes on, along with an inability to concentrate on daily tasks. As a quantitative marker, thirty days of persistent symptoms, including a generally deteriorating level of functioning, characterizes PTS. On varying levels, traumatic events may also trigger painful memories from the past, reminding one of loved ones who have died (and who aren’t there to lean on in this present difficulty) or past feelings of being “out of control” and vulnerable.
2.) Offer your Ear, not Clichés. Ministry and counsel to a hurting person begins, as all counseling should, with being quick to listen and slow to speak (95% listening and 5% talking as one writer suggests, see Jas.1:19), and slow to become angry - in short, loving as we have been loved by Christ – in our extreme poverty. Our own heart needs a strong Gospel-reminder first. We deserve nothing but judgment every day, but in Christ we are shown mercy, compassion, forgiveness, great patience, and adoption to an eternal family. And, there is One who can identify with loss, a perfect High Priest named Jesus who meets the deepest needs of our hearts. How will we flesh out and share these characteristics of Christ? Will we resist the urge to compose a sermonette of “feel good” quotes or verses (or worse, verses implying that the trauma comes as judgment, which is not our call to make) to drop on them to “make them all better?” (This, by the way, is usually intended to make us feel better, removing the pain quickly with gospel-free answers, and avoiding deeper questions and concerns). Or will we begin by first asking how a person is doing and feeling - rather than presuming or assuming how they should respond - recognizing that this is the doorway of entry to their heart? Most likely if you will listen, you will hear them asking their own questions, “Why?” (You may even get a whole lot of anger.) And one answer we can certainly give is, “so that I can love you right now with the love of Christ.” Seeing Christ in us – the Christ of compassion- is the great need of their moment.
3.) Bring all the resources of the church, Christ’s body, to bear. You’re not a lone-ranger. You’re part of a body, meant to act in a community of helpers. Since physical needs are often paramount in a tragedy like fire, the holistic (and ultimately practical) resources of the church will be greater than yours as an individual. For example, incarnating the love of Christ as a body means we will pay attention to the hurting person’s basic need for physical rest and refreshment. Nourishing meals provided by “creative cookers” in the church, relaxing outings, and even opportunities to serve others in particular ways in which the sufferer can participate can encourage, bring perspective, and help to avoid self-preoccupation or pity.
4.) Don’t minimize the persistent effects of trauma. Proverbs tells us that every person knows their own pain. The truth is, you don’t know exactly how they feel or what precisely their experience is, so don’t say you do. Let them tell you. Recurring flashbacks and memories are common. Time and care may help them diminish, and talking with fellow-victims of trauma helps encourage the bearing of one another’s burdens.
5.) Be sensitive to the responses of the heart. Finally, remember that all of us, no matter what we are going through, are still worshippers and responders who will somehow try to make sense of the tangled ends under the tapestry. If it is not the true God (revealed in Christ) that is in our sights, it will be a functional replacement or idol. This important dynamic and reality is missing in Gospel-free counseling. Guilt and sorrow related to trauma (”I should have done more,” or “it should have been me” etc.) and the need for answers can turn us back onto self, and we continually need the compassionate touch of the Savior and the truth of His Gospel to “pull us out” of self to a big (and yes, sovereign) God who is always good, yet often mysterious. Idols give easy “answers,” or seem to anyway, but end up as empty wells of hope. Anger reveals the chief idol of “self,” and yet God gives promises, Good News, and tangible love through His Gospel and His people that we can drink and find refreshment in the pain. Through patient gospeling, we come to see the traumas of our lives as more than accidents or cosmic conspiracies; they are actually a significant part of God’s plan to save the world. (See the Joseph quote above, whose betrayal and suffering, leading to the feeding of the nations, is a picture of Christ. All events for the believer, as Jonathan Edwards writes, are graciously ordered by His love and wisdom. This is so even if their immediate source is the malice of our fellow man, see also Acts 4:27,28 concerning the cross of Christ). Seen through this lens, our struggles, sufferings, and losses are invested with great significance and hope.
Many of the thoughts and statistics on PTS presented here can be found in a fine article by Paul Randolph on Post-Traumatic Stress in the Summer 2007 edition of The Journal of Biblical Counseling.
In keeping with the latest and most fashionable trends and perspectives in theology, we thought we’d offer our own in counseling. (We’re quite sure, as the friend who sent this to me has said, that it will streamline your own counseling methods considerably.) Enjoy! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BYLMTvxOaeE
by Stephen Trout
Recently my friend Brian, worship leader at Kaleo and all-around cool dude, imagined what it would be like to do coffee (or Caramel Macchiatos, as he prefers) with John Newton, hymn writer of the classic Amazing Grace. (You can “listen in” on his conversation with the 18th century former slave trader at Semperreformanda records
I remembered this the other day when during a counseling session, I quoted my favorite line from the famous “Prayer of St. Francis” (See entire prayer below.) The line goes, Grant that I might not so much seek to be consoled, as to console; to be understood, as to understand; to be loved, as to love; for it is in giving that we receive…” I began to wonder what it would be like to have “St. Frank” (can I call him Frank?) counsel me in a short conversation, and then go out for drinks…(of course, he’d probably insist on buying. He’s just that kind of guy!)
Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace;
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.
Amen.
Frank: “I wrote that prayer out of a deep sense that God wanted me to– to use your current jargon- “get off myself.”
ST: “So that is my main problem? Self?”
Frank: “Well, if you’re like the rest of us, yes.”
ST: “Gee, you don’t pull any punches!”
Frank: “Frankly, my friend, we were made for better things than to be wrapped up in self. You were made for relationship with God Himself. And then, recognizing that, you were made for your neighbor.” I believe this failure contributes to much of your current depression. Even Freud got that notion at one point.”
ST: “Wow, I don’t love my neighbor as I should, that’s for sure.”
Frank: “Nor did I. That’s why I wrote the prayer. We need God to do a divine work in our hearts, which are continually “bent inward” on self. For example, consider a conflict with someone with whom you are in relationship, maybe a friend. You may have a very valid point of how they hurt you. And you want to prove it to them with everything you can muster, so that “you are understood.” But have you considered that in your desire to be “right,” you may be desiring to worship your “rightness,” instead of loving the other person - even, as Paul said, being willing to be wronged, or defrauded (I Corinthians 6:7)?”
ST: (laughing) “No, I’ve never had that problem.”
Frank: “Sure.”
ST: “Ok, I see, its very subtle isn’t it?”
Frank: “Oh yes, especially when you believe you are defending a good thing. (Most of us don’t take pains to defend an evil thing after all!)”
ST: “But what if I truly am a victim?”
Frank: “Of course you are, we all are victims…but we are also victimizers, especially when our responses to being wronged become less like I Corinthians 13 and more like Kill Bill…well, anyone who takes revenge and wants to “even the score.” Hence the prayer, …it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.”
ST: “I thought that was about Jesus.”
Frank: “Of course it is. If you died with Him – on the cross – then you have died to sin’s slavery. Read Romans 6, its all there. But you and I still have much pride, and it springs up like a prairie dog at a carnival, whenever you least expect.”
ST: “Wow, you use such current metaphors!”
Frank: (Smiling) “Ahh, you are trying to elicit my pride? But thank-you anyway.”
ST: “So most of my problem is that I make myself the center of the universe (my universe)?”
Frank: “Yes, it takes much wisdom from God to see it sometimes, but it helps to ask your heart “what is it that I think I need most?” And much of the time it is a good desire elevated to the point of a need, or an idol. Its a worship disorder, you know.”
ST: “Which Is why I need Jesus, right? He must become more beautiful to me than my supposed need?”
Frank: “Exactly…and we will see it as we repent of our need to be in the center…in all of our individual circumstances.”
ST: “Wow, easier said than done!”
Frank & ST: “Hence, the prayer!”
ST: “Well, I’m sure you have much more that you could say, but since you’re in our century for just a few more hours today, can I buy you a drink?”
Frank: “Indeed…for it is in giving that we receive, you know!”
(Footnote: Curiously, part of what was once the site of St. Francis’ original 12th century abbey is now a brewery! St. Francis was apparently quite a drinker in his younger days, but after a serious illness caused him to think more deeply about his life, he probably gave up drinking. My imaginary conversation might be stretching it to say he’d have a beer, but who knows? Counseling can take place anywhere!)
by Stephen Trout
Grace is most surprising, isn’t it? (For a recent foray on this subject, see The Surprise of Grace in Counseling).
For example, I sometimes like to say to counselees a version of the following: “John, what would you say if I told you I was an adulterer and a murderer?” (Some of you are saying, “Now that is a unique counseling approach!” Actually, a question like this – surprising though it may sound- serves as an excellent gauge of a person’s heart. If they respond with a “deer in the headlights” expression and are dumbfounded, you know they really haven’t begun to understand two things: the depth of their sin, and the wonder of grace.)
Does this talk of sin -even murder and adultery - sound unhealthy? Let me explain. We know as counselors that a deep honesty is vital to the counseling relationship. Essentially, we are searching for answers to what is wrong with people, and in particular, what will help our friend who comes to receive counsel. If the counselee begins to sugarcoat, rationalize, or project his problem onto another, we work to instill responsibility. (We do this of course in the context of committed, loving relationship, for if they are a Christian, they are also a “brother” or “sister” in Christ.)
At this point counselees will sometimes begin to think that their problem is really just that they are not as moral as you (the counselor) are. If only they were more well-adjusted (like you), so the thinking goes, they wouldn’t be in this mess. If only they were in better relationships, they would be better. At this point, we are faced with a dilemma. Is my goal for my friend merely that they become more moral? Clean up their behavior? Or am I after something deeper? Something that will fundamentally change them, from the inside out? Something that will actually cause them to operate from a whole new vantage point and identity? Something that will bring real strength to change?
This is where Gospel-centered counseling shines. The Christian Faith provides radically powerful “internal resources” as David Powlison of CCEF notes. In order not to lead a counselee down the morality-path (which is really a cul-de-sac centered around self), we must first confess what we all, by nature, do not like to hear. We have murdered the Son of God. Though He came to rescue a broken and sinful world, we killed Him, in effort to “establish our own righteousness” (essentially, our own law-code of how to live properly, see Rom. 10:3,4) Our sin placed him on a tree – cursed for us. In addition, we have married ourselves to other gods (even good things in creation, including self and other people), placing them at the center of everything. This is because our hearts, as John Calvin rightly said, are “idol factories,” always producing new idols to worship and crave. And, we are still committing adultery all the time.
Now if this is true, then it is the healthiest thing in the world for me (and my counselee) to admit it. This is not low self-esteem, mental self-flagellation, or archaic religious rhetoric. This is actually part of the good news. For if we are indeed sinners of this variety (which we are, whether we choose to admit it or not), then we are actually the objects -and this is the surprising part- of Jesus’ rescue: “I did not come to call the righteous (or those who think they are, in themselves), but sinners.” On top of this, we are helped greatly to begin to identify the idolatrous cravings that rule our hearts, and so impact everything we do.
This is revolutionary, that we should know real forgiveness, extend it to others, and to explore our new identity as loved children of God. In this, we are truly free! And ironically, because we are so secure in God’s love for us, we are free to admit the worst about ourselves.
Morality is not our goal - not for me or my counselee. Our goal is to find rest in Christ’s love and His righteous robe which covers us, be freed from guilt as a murderer and adulterer, and revel in our new identity. Sound good? That’s why Jesus is called “the Wonderful Counselor.” Has anyone ever loved or counseled like Him?
by Stephen Trout
What does a movie like “Lady in the Water,” the writings of Donald Miller (“Blue Like Jazz” and “Searching for God Knows What”) and Gospel-centered counseling have in common? Answer? They all recognize the power of a good story, not only to entertain or teach, but to reach the heart.
Writer-director Shyamalan ‘s latest (and perhaps most misunderstood) film boldly asserts that story essentially saves the world, and is rich with the power of metaphor: eagles’ wings, a strong right arm, a loosened tongue. Shyamalan also wonderfully sets his redemption story smack into the middle of community, a community that becomes greater and more powerful against evil only as it works together.
Miller’s writings take personal narrative and authenticity seriously, but with a humor and honesty that we easily relate to because it immediately touches our experience, and so our hearts. Miller knows that meaning always has a context, a story in which truth puts on flesh. In counseling, it’s also the difference between trying to band-aid change with formulas (even if they contain truth) and surface prescriptions, and reaching the heart. Notice in the following illustration how Miller’s heart was reached only when truth put on flesh and blood:
“I tried to stop…I went to websites and looked up statistics about the health risks of chewing tobacco. I printed the statistics and placed them on my desk where I could read them when I was tempted. But it didn’t help. I still bought a can of the stuff every other time I gassed up my car. This went on for at least a year until…I was listening to the radio one afternoon, editing a chapter in a previous book, when a voice came on, very distorted and troubled. The man sounded as if part of his face were missing, low and muffled and slobbery. Between songs, the radio station had inserted a commercial, a public service announcement about the dangers of using chewing tobacco. The man in the commercial said that half of his jaw had been removed, that he had no lower lip, and that the reason his face was deformed was because for years he had used smokeless tobacco. He didn’t list any facts, he didn’t speak of any harmful ingredients, he didn’t say he was going to die of cancer. And yet the image of a man without a chin speaking into the microphone was enough to convince me to stop. I never used the stuff again. I didn’t want to….” (p.58, Searching For God Knows What)
Leaving aside other potential heart-issues in the chewing tobacco scenario (not the focus of this piece, but important nonetheless), Gospel-centered counseling is all about interacting with story, realizing that each of our individual stories are actually woven into the Redeemer’s greater story, His unfolding redemption narrative. Salvation has a rich history, worked out in a multitude of intensely relational stories containing poetry, parables, and physical “place” (geography) - all made possible by the Word-made-flesh.
And, our salvation has a present context, for as whole persons (or embodied spirits) who are in the process of “being saved” (and learning to live out of our justification), we begin to look more like Jesus to our neighbor. As Tripp notes, we incarnate Christ, the relational God-man, as we “become the look on his face, the tone of his voice, and the touch of His hand” to one another.
Application? Tell stories! Relating the stories of your weakness and Christ’s strength to a friend brings meaning, putting flesh on Bible truth. It gives them a context to see real change at work, as well as a flesh & blood “object lesson” to verify that the Gospel story is indeed powerful, and true. As we incarnate Christ to each other in this way, we bring shape and form (and meaning) to our common struggles with idols of the heart and suffering, and, in a rich way, help each other see and make sense of our story!
(For further reading on this, check out “The Drama of Scripture: Finding Our Place in the Biblical Story,” by Goheen and Bartholomew, and “To Be Told,” by Dan Allender. And don’t forget Don Miller too!)
by Stephen Trout
If the Gospel is changing me to incarnate the love of Christ in my relationships, how will that look? Four words are especially worth noting: Enter, Incarnate, Identify, Accept.
(You might recognize these from Tripp’s “Instruments in the Redeemer’s Hands”)
A quick word today on what it might look like to “Enter” another’s world…
Enter: Brokenness, frustration, and sin (obvious or not so obvious) are opportunities to engage more than a problem, but a real person; to listen, look, and ask some questions to get beneath the surface issue to how that person’s heart is struggling, learn what they are really trusting in, and how you can compassionately incarnate (put flesh on) the love of Christ to them. Here’s a good example Tripp uses:
Imagine you had an important appointment that you missed because you were held up in traffic. How would you feel if you told your friend, only to have him respond with a lecture on the fact that you took the wrong way and that he learned years ago that there was a much more efficient route that you could have taken? Would you be frustrated with a response like that? Of course you would! As Tripp notes, “His responses may have had some logical connection to the facts you shared, but they weren’t helpful because they didn’t connect with the impact of the situation on your heart and life.” You’d begin to wonder, “Did he just hear me? Does he even care to try to identify with my frustration or pain? Show concern for my struggle?” Yet God does more than say to us, “well you paid the price for your mistake!”
But what if that friend first assured you that you’re heard (as God always hears His children - He’s a perfect Father), and then proceeded to lead your heart to a big God that understands and identifies with all forms of suffering and pain…what a difference that would begin to make! What a first step that would be toward building your trust in that gracious God who works out everything for your ultimate good! Unfortunately, we are too quick to “counsel the problem,” and not the person. Moralism, legalism, and self-righteouness all tend to lead to that end, instead of to our seeing a glorious and powerful Christ, and strengthening faith in Him!